House of Martok gains foothold on Earth in anticipation of environmental disaster

The official peace between the Klingon Empire and the United Federation of Planets came to an abrupt end Tuesday when the Chancellor of the Klingon High Council successfully claimed a small town on the Human home world for the House of Martok.

In a radical departure from Klingon tradition, General Martok used the electoral process rather than weapons in his campaign to seize the land in New York State, a move that allowed the great warrior to avoid Federation security and win a seat on the town board in the hamlet of Ulysses. But observers should not view this peaceful takeover as any indication that the Klingons are going soft.

“There is no honor in killing Red Shirts,” growled Martok with disgust as he dipped his cup into a barrel of bloodwine, adding “And I am not a politician. But sometimes, fate plays cruel tricks on us.”

When asked why he was so bold as to target the Federation capital, Gen. Martok responded “Praxis,” which he slowly repeated again with the knowing smile of a seasoned tactician.

Praxis was the key energy production center of the Klingon Empire until a mining accident caused its destruction. The explosion of the Qo’noS moon (due to over-mining and lack of safety protocols) created an environmental disaster on the Klingon home world so devastating that the Empire had no choice but to open a dialogue with the Federation, triggering events which ultimately led to a peace agreement with its enemy.

The Chancellor explained that the High Council has been carefully monitoring the deregulation of the mining industry on Earth and determined that questionable mining practices combined with diminishing safety regulations “are not compatible with human habitation.” And Martok, son of Urthog, stands ready to claim the prize – or what’s left of it – for the greatest of the Klingon Houses.

Bachmann, Tea Party disrupt White House Easter Egg Hunt

Tea Party Chip Cravaack prepares for White House Easter Egg Hunt

Tea Party Chip Cravaack prepares for White House Easter Egg Hunt

The annual White House Easter Egg Hunt typically provides a respite from politics and thus is eagerly anticipated by adults as well as children. But today the joyous celebration was briefly disrupted by members of the Tea Party who were convinced the eggs posed a threat to the future security of this country.

Shortly before the hunt was scheduled to begin Monday morning, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN6) held a press conference in front of the White House to praise President Obama for finally taking a proactive stance against terrorism.

“First, I want to personally thank President Obama for calling today’s hunt.
For years. I’ve tried to persuade this Administration to aggressively track down and eliminate those who seek to do this country harm. I’m so relieved the threat posed by these covert foreign agents is finally being taken seriously by the White House,” said Bachmann

Even members of the press corps accustomed to her ramblings were taken off guard. Reporters exchanged confused glances in stunned silence until someone from the Congresswoman’s home state finally asked “Uh, are you referring to the Easter eggs?”

“Those are terror babies!” shot back Bachmann, as she swept her arm towards the brightly colored eggs littering the South Lawn. “You know, they start out little like this and then they hatch and before you know it, they’ve turned our children against us. Those fluffy ducklings and chicks, they’re so cute and the kids follow them everywhere and think ‘Wow! They’re really neat, I want to be just like them.’ Then pretty soon terrorists have infiltrated every lake, creek and river in the country, not to mention the parks and farmland. Their mission is to control our waterways and destroy our agriculture industry.”

“We’ll all starve to death unless we eliminate this threat!” Bachmann declared as a black SUV sporting ‘Live Free or Die’ license plates and packed with Tea Partiers screeched to a halt in front of her.

“Did someone say hunt?” eagerly panted former Minnesota Congressman Chip Cravaack as he leaped from the vehicle brandishing his AR-15’s. “You betcha,” hollered back Sarah Palin as they charged ahead to attack the unsuspecting Easter eggs.”Cmon Chip, you shoot ’em and I’ll field dress ’em!”

While startled reporters and onlookers ducked for cover, Bachmann continued unfazed. “My favorite gun is an AR-15 because you can be so accurate with it,” she observed with smiling admiration as bits of eggs and colored shells flew in every direction across the South Lawn before the Tea Partiers were tackled by stunned secret service agents.

“You can’t prepare for this kind of crazy” declared President Obama, defending his security team, “I mean, terror babies… shooting Easter eggs… just what the hell is in that tea they’re drinking?

Children who watched the scene were disgusted as well. “If they didn’t know how to make egg salad, they should have just asked for help,” firmly declared a 4-year-old boy while brushing pieces of egg off his shirt.

DNR Issues New Invasive Species Alert For Northern Minnesota

The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources today issued a new invasive species alert for northern Minnesota. The agency warns residents that a close relative of the dreaded European Buckthorn (Rhammus Cathartica), the Packsacker Shrub (Chippus Cravaackita), has established itself from North Branch to Grand Portage and poses a serious threat to natives of the region.

Chippus Cravaackita’s sudden arrival two years ago took the DNR quite by surprise. “When it appeared on the scene in early 2010, it seemed so harmless that it kind of flew under our radar,” admitted a sheepish DNR commissioner Tom Landwehr. “It wasn’t until late fall we realized what a serious threat it posed to our way of life in northeastern Minnesota. We tried to stop it from becoming established, but it was too late,” he lamented.

The DNR defines invasive species as “species that are not native to Minnesota and cause economic or environmental harm or harm to human health.” Like the European Buckthorn, the Packsacker Shrub resembles some Minnesota natives, but on closer look is clearly alien to the state. An insidious invader, Chippus Cravaackita is abnormally dense with weak branches, grows low to the ground and wreaks havoc by destroying native habitat and opening the door for other invasive species, noxious weeds like the Koch Vine and the particularly menacing Creeping Ryan.

The Packsacker Shrub quickly takes root everywhere but its preferred habitat is railroad tracks and airport runways, even cracks in Minnesota roads, making Chippus Cravaackita a serious threat to area infrastructure as well. “If we don’t get rid of this menace soon, all travel in and out of the region will come to a screeching halt” warns Minnesota transportation commissioner Tom Sorel.

The DNR notes that combating these invaders is not easy because they so easily fool people by their outward appearance. Chippus Cravaackita emits a noxious oil that saps the life out of natives yet promotes it’s own lush growth, encouraging unsuspecting residents to nurture it in their yards. The Packsacker’s glossy foliage and pretty spring flowers do appear inviting, but this alien is best observed from afar; hidden thorns slash those who venture too close, and its bitter berries are particularly toxic to senior citizens and children.

Minnesota is not alone in fighting Chippus Cravaackita, says the Commissioner, citing reports of its sudden appearance in Windham, New Hampshire in July 2011. “Kind of puzzling how the Packsacker Shrub skipped over half the nation,” said Landwehr scratching his head. “Almost like someone deliberately transplanted it there,” he mused.

But there is hope for northeastern Minnesota, says the DNR, thanks to quick work by the Natural Resources Research Institute. Yet these University of Minnesota scientists shrug off praise; “It really wasn’t that difficult”, insists NRRI Director Mike Lalich, “This is not a sophisticated organism. In fact, Chippus Cravaackita is rather simple. The same characteristics that allowed the Packsacker to sneak under the radar are exactly what can be exploited to cause its demise.”

Their solution: cut Chippus Cravaackita down to the stump in the fall, apply a hearty dose of the NRRI’s new herbicide ‘Packsacker-B-Gone’ on November 6 and replace with a strong native species in order to prevent re growth after the alien has been removed from northern Minnesota.

In the meantime, the Minnesota DNR sent an urgent message to its counterpart in New Hampshire cautioning them to be on the alert for a new invasion of Chippus Cravaackita in November.

TOP TEN REASONS CHIP CRAVAACK WILL LOSE ON NOVEMBER 6TH

10. Thinks the Range is where you go to hit golf balls

9. Only person we know who’s dumb enough to pay $1000 a month to lease an SUV

8. Standard campaign speech still begins with “Jim Oberstar is totally out of touch!”

7. Needs to charge way more than $10 a head to make town hall meetings profitable

6. Even Mesabi Daily News refuses to back his plan to ‘privatize’ the Boundary Waters Canoe Area by selling it to the Koch brothers

5. Constantly confuses “Rukavina” with “Macarena” at local celebrations

4. “Live Free or Die” license plate on SUV = bad move

3. Overheard at fundraiser: “Family values? Hell yes. We’re worth a cool million.”

2. Insistence on posing with hand held rocket dooms pro-hunting TV spot

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON CHIP CRAVAACK WILL LOSE ON NOVEMBER 6 . . .

1. Sleep apnea flares up again in debate with Nolan

Cravaack Goons Beat Up Student As PR Branding Exercise

Just a misunderstanding. This incident was all about next generation, bleeding edge brand torque brought into real time. You know. Setting The Congressman’s brand on a cool trip to exclusivity land.

That’s how a PR source close to U.S. Rep. Chip Cravaack (R-MN-NH) is hacking the T-Party Justice meted out to Bemidji State University senior Matt Riddle last Saturday night at a GOP fundraiser in tiny Hackensack, Minnesota.

Riddle, who paid $25 to get in and received permission to tape the speeches for a political science project, was subsequently wrestled to the ground and thrown out of a public restaurant by two goons claiming to be Cravaack’s Secret Service detail, while Cravaack himself chanted “Go Team, Go Team” nearby.

“What you lame-stream liberal media don’t get is that the special attention accorded Mr. Riddle was all just part of his proud initiation into Chip’s ‘Cravaack Core’ of Middle Classers who are generously accepted into the Congressman’s double secret private events, which never ever take place in Duluth,” the source explained.

“Anybody can get into a Rick Nolan event,” scoffed the source. “You don’t even have to be rich. We, on the other hand, initiate Middle Classers into our specially branded Cravaack Core by beating them up and taking their money. Exactly what they’ve come to expect from Chip, who thought of the idea himself while holding Paul Ryan’s feet to the floor during crunches at the House gym.”

Asked whether Riddle would now be welcomed into future Cravaack events, the source threw a punch at this reporter. “Why do you hate America? Go tell that little F*$&! to quit whining and pay his student loans!”

Leave it to Mitt. (The Cleavers in Tampa)

TO:              Miss Landers (Springfield Elementary Grade 2)

FROM:        Theodore Cleaver (Your student)

RE:              My Republican Convention Report – night # 1 (sort of)

DT:               August 29, 2012

It’s okay being here in Florida with dad running for president and junk.

Mom talked first last night and got all mushy about how dad wears clean underwear even when he mows the lawn and takes out the garbage and stuff. And how they really are married so he takes a bath at least every week. And how he doesn’t even yell at me and Wally and Newt and Rick and Herman when we’re making noise upstairs in the winter instead of being outside playing but not getting in trouble giving that nerdy Tim Pawlenty kid a wedgie.

Then it was Lumpy Rutherford’s turn and he was all crabby I think because he’s already fat and he knows he’s gonna be bald someday too. And because he had to wear that stupid suit his mom picked out for him when he got invited by mistake to Mary Ellen Roger’s birthday party and threw up on the cake.

Anyway, Lumpy’s all sick and tired of trying to get guys at Ridgemont High to like us when all they do is give us the business. Like anybody would like Lumpy anyhow. He’s just begging to get beat up.

Tonight I have to go back and listen to that stupid Eddy Haskell.

Clark Resurfaces in Minnesota’s 3rd District

One day after losing her DFL primary battle in Minnesota’s 8th District, perennial failed Congressional candidate Tarryl Clark has announced a write-in campaign for U.S. Representative from Minnesota’s 3rd District, which includes the western Twin Cities area.

“I am the only candidate who has lived here all my life and worked and fought for jobs and for bringing our families, our communities and our Girl Scouts together as a soccer mom and community organizer for the change we need to make our country great once again for our children,” said Clark in a statement released from her St. Louis Park post office box.

“I will carry my personal fight for the miners, hunters and fisher-people here in the Granite City to every quilting shop in our 22 counties, because everyone knows quilting is the favorite sport of all of us who live right here in the Third District.”

Ever on the lookout for ways to waste money, Emily’s List immediately sent Clark a check for $1 million dollars.